So how to run a breakup...

[vasilatos]

When people break up with me, I prefer that they make up something, like they're about to get married or they're moving to Europe or something...

So I have a couple guys I need to dump (probably not the best word), but I was thinking I might just say I'm moving to Vietnam for work... is that going to go over

Comments

[chrishansenhome.livejournal.com]

Perhaps other people don't prefer that an excuse for breaking up with them is "made up". After all, you have a dog with needs that probably wouldn't be fulfilled in Vietnam, and you don't work (I don't think), so if you say you're moving to Vietnam for work, you'll then probably have to make up some job that you'll be doing there.

It's always best to be truthful. That way if asked about something you don't have to think quick about what you need to say to be consistent with the rest of the story.

If you need to break up with them, just say that it's not working out and you need to break up with them. End of. (You might add that it's you, not them.)

Just advice. No need to take any notice of it.

[vasilatos]

I disagree completely that truth is always best. And as far as made-up jobs in faraway countries go, "writing" always works.

Do these pants make me look fat?

[chrishansenhome.livejournal.com]

Well, perhaps YMMV is appropriate here. I hate it when I am caught out in a lie because I couldn't think quickly enough to supply a plausible one. I am a terrible liar. Thus, for me, the truth is always the best route to take and that is my usual route.

Luckily HWMBO's trousers can never make him look fat so I never have to lie about that.

Could you explain more fully why you feel that lying about why you're breaking up with someone is a good way for you to do so? I am curious. If the real reason is that you have just discovered that your ex-beloved is an ax murderer and you have turned him into the constabulary so you don't want any more to do with him, but you fib and say that you and PL are decamping to Antarctica because PL needs a cooler environment, then that's one thing. If you'd rather not explain then that's fine too.

[vasilatos]

It's simple really, not wanting to hurt someone's feelings. "I don't like you, you suck, you have a rotten personality" is less nice than "oh gee, hate to have to leave but I'm suddenly needed in Nepal."

[chrishansenhome.livejournal.com]

So when a few weeks later the ex sees you on the street you then have to make up a fib about Nepal suddenly declaring you persona non grata because they determined that PL is a wild beast likely to spread terror and mayhem among the good burghers of Kathmandu…

If the truth is that you don't think that you and the about-to-be ex are compatible, that should not hurt the other person. "It's me, not you" is always a good thing to say and might not be a total fib.

Anyway, to each his own, as the lady said when she kissed her cow.

[vasilatos]

Now thinking back, I realize that people not wanting to be broken up with sometimes (often) can go from insisting on specifics which they then promise to change, or hurtful comments, all the way up to full blown stalking. In those cases, I get increasingly pissed off and end up saying things that shouldn't be said.

My fiancee and I had a flat out simple fight over a couple of things, and that was that. We're still friends, thank heaven. I was glad she was the breaker upper, it's obviously not my talent. Working on it since dating more lately, and I get to observe how other people do it, and decide what's better.

[lcohen]

when people break up with me, i prefer that they tell me the truth, because when i inevitably find out that they lied (sometimes in that very same conversation) then i have to add the hurt of being lied to to the pain of the breakup, i agree with chris that just saying that it isn't working out is fine. not wanting to be with me is a fine reason not to be with me;

[vasilatos]

Yeah, the lying thing can hurt. What I really resent is being dropped with no explanation. Thus the make-something-up, at least, for finality.

So, Vietnam is implausible. On the other hand, I was engaged earlier this year to a lady in Medellin, Colombia, that has a ring of truth... I've claimed to become suddenly monogamous in the past.

[vasilatos]

These guys are solving themselves. One is retiring and moving away (familiar ring to that), but is jamming in dates meanwhile that interfere with other one which requires me to send regrets that are so regretful it seems like oh too bad goodbye... There's just one left and I worry for him as he's so insecure and unstable, but he seems to be holding up so far. I'll see him tomorrow and I've given advance warning this is most certainly not a date.

I'm finding that I can work on my in/out hookup skills online, literally online, much better than in person until I improve.